Fa La La La La

First an update about my appointment on the 23rd.  The OB that I was scheduled with had an emergency C-section so I had to wait a lil longer than normal (which is fine because who knows I may be that emergency one day).  They eventually sent a temp OB in (I told them I would just wait for my regular doctor, I was afraid that I would get faux hawk again, but couldn't wait) and I loved this doctor, she was probably about my age and was so nice and actually listened to me and asked me good questions. 
I'm going to rewind to Thursday because I was having a very bad day, my chest was hurting really bad and DH wanted to take me to the ER to have them check it out but I kept saying I had a doc app the next day and would just wait it out.  I took my blood pressure before going to bed and it was ok but my pulse was high.  So I told the doc about this and she took my pulse and it was still high but not as high as it was the night before.  She did a quick u/s to see the babies heartbeats (the doppler was not going to work with multiples) and they were fine.  The doc looks at me all serious and says I'm not saying this to scare you but I want to see if you have a blood clot in your heart (because it is likely being pregnant with multiples) so we ran tests and no blood clot, GOOD.  Then I get disciplined for not gaining enough weight, I can no longer eat pickles or carrots as my snacks, I need to eat cheese, ice cream and yogurt (which is fine because I like all of those things).

Now to Christmas, it was kind of crazy like it is every year and I really tried to think about how to make it not so chaotic for next year when we have a real reason to be late to every party.  But it was nice to see family and everyone seemed to like their gifts we got them (we were on a major budget this year).  DH & I were spoiled yet again this year, I received a lot of maternity clothes which I needed really bad. 

17 Weeks & 4 days

How far along:  17 weeks & 4 days.
How big is baby: about 5 inches long
Maternity clothes:  yes but I only have a few so I rely on stretchy pants and big tshirts.
Sleep: Not good.  My hips go numb so I'm going to try the recliner out tonight
Best moment of the week:  People asking me how the babies are (complete strangers)
Food aversions:  Mexican
Food cravings: I do not have many cravings, just want to eat ALL the time.
Symptoms:  the belly getting bigger, headaches, indigestion,
Movement:  I feel stuff and think it is the babies
What I’m looking forward to: Christmas this weekend
What I miss:  Nothing other than sleep
Next appt: Friday I have an appointment with the doc

Tomorrow is 4 months until my delivery date, I can not believe it is going by so fast.  Also two years ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, I didn't know for long before I miscarried but it was one of the best days of my life.

I have a prayer request, Jessica is having a hard time right now and really needs the support.  Thank you everyone.

GOOD NEWS - just got off the phone with the OB's office (to ask about sinus meds) and finally got the courage to tell them I did not want to see the OB I saw the last time. She asked what the docs name is and I said I had no idea.  So a few seconds later she is laughing I'm like great, I felt horrible for doing this in the first place and now she is laughing.  She then says I understand why you do not want to see this doctor again, it was just a fluke that you saw him in the first place and if there is a chance he is in the office again you probably will not see him again.  Good now I do not have to worry about that anymore.

What a dork

I go to a group of OBs I never know which doctor I'm going to get until they walk in the door and the doctor I had Friday is my LEAST favorite.  I called Thursday to ask them if they could check me for yeast infection and uti (I know I had something wrong just didn't know what it was) they said they would put it in my chart.  So I am at my most favorite part of the appointment (weigh in time) and the nurse asks me why I think I have yeast infection, I try to explain my crazy symptoms to her.  She sends me in the room to strip down and I get to sit there for half an hour with a bare butt (covered by a sheet).  Then doctor dork arrives (he was probably about the same age as Doogie Howser and he has a faux-hawk) he has terrible bedside manner and the first thing I think is great you have to look at my hoo hoo.  He tries talking me out of having the pelvic exam because he is sure it is just from being pregnant but since I was already sitting there with no clothes on I told him I wanted to be sure.  Guess what people I had Yeast Infection (sorry I know you wanted to know that).

I want to know can I ask not to see this doctor again because he really freaked me out and I know with my luck he is the one I'm going to get to do the delivery.

On a better note, at the ultrasound they figured out the genders of the babies and I actually walked out of there without finding out.  Go Me!  They all have two legs and two arms each, nice looking spinal cords and they have blood flow, oh and all the of the umbilical cords have the 3 blood vessels each of them should have.  They are getting pretty packed in there right now and every time I go Baby A is getting harder and harder for them to see (I mean as far as anatomy).

Forgot to add this yesterday, we have graduated to an actual weight now.

Baby A is 6 oz
Baby B is 5 oz
Baby C is 5 oz

Something new

I need opinions please.  Today I have had lots and lots of discharge (tropical rainforest in the underpants kind) which is completely normal from what I have read online.  But tonight is the something new part, I wiped and there was very large (to me) about the size of a grape not completely clear blob of mucus.  Should I be concerned?  I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow but thought maybe one of you ladies would know.  Thanks in advance.

**UPDATE**

Just got a call back from the doctor and they said that it is probably just normal discharge and they will check things out further next Friday at my appointment.

Not sure why

Depending upon what website you look at you either start your second trimester at 13 weeks or 13 weeks 3 days or at 14 weeks so I chose the middle one.  That would have made me start my second trimester on Wednesday.  Thursday morning we woke up early to start our driving journey to Branson, MO (about 5 hours away) to spend the weekend.  Guess what that is the morning that I started to have morning sickness, so we had to stop in a McD's parking lot so I could do my thing behind a dumpster because nothing was open.  This is the craziest thing to me because I thought all of that stopped when you start your second trimester not start up.  But it's fine I will deal with it, just no more long car rides until after the babies are born.

I have a prayer request to ask you ladies, there is a woman in the same town that I live in that is battling IF (she just found out from her OB that they want her to go to an RE, she is not taking the news well, but who does).  She is not to the point where she wants to talk to anyone about all of this, the only reason I know is because her grandmother knows what I have gone through and has asked me questions that she is afraid to ask her granddaughter. I got a call yesterday from the grandmother and she told me that she had a miscarriage on Thanksgiving.  I feel so sorry for her because Thanksgiving will never be the same to her again.  Kind of like Christmas for me (I am still afraid of what this Christmas is going to be like) I had my first two miscarriages on Christmas Day (2009 & 2010).  So please pray that this woman can get a sticky bean.

The Liebster Award

So I have heard about these blog awards but have not looked into how to get one or anything but my fellow blogger/friend Amy just nominated me for the Liebster Blog Award, this is very exciting to me.


Liebster is a German word which means "dearest" or "beloved." It is also used to refer to as someone's "favorite" and the idea of the Liebster Blog Award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers that deserve more recognition and encouragement. So, this award is to share with those blogs that you love to love... you know... the ones that you can't wait to see a new post from because some how, some way, the blogger seems to always put words to things in a way that touch deeply to the core of us. 






There are certain rules that are to be followed:

• Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
• Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
• Copy and paste the award on your blog
• Hope that the people you've sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going! 

Now to the hard part, I have to pick the top five favorite blogs that I follow.   I just want all of you to know that I love all of your blogs and wish I could pick all of you.  But I can't so here is my list:


Jess at My Notes on TTC & Life - you are an amazing and strong person.  I like that you post almost everyday it always gives me something to look forward to.

Kate at IF in big sky country - I can not wait until I have the triplets and take pictures of them doing fun stuff like you do, they are so cute.  PS where have you Friday Farm Photos gone?


Cori at Sheldon Shack - I believe you are the first blog that I started to follow.  I can not believe that we are both pregnant all the hard work has paid off.  Go us.


Jill at Williams Family - Your blog is the newest one that I'm following, your daughter is adorable and I'm sure your son is going to be just as cute.  Congrats on making it to the half way point.


Joey at The Childless Mom - Your cycle sounds so much like my last one and I really really hope that it turns out the same.


Congrats.  All of you are such inspiration to me and other people.

Lots to be thankful for

This is my first time scheduling a post (I wanted to make this list over a couple weeks so I do not forget anything) so lets see if I can do this right.

- First and foremost I am thankful that I am pregnant to three babies and everything seems to be going well.
- That DH and I stuck together through all the IF stuff and did everything that we could to make it happen (there were some really tough times).
- My mom went to all the appointments with me that DH couldn't just so I wouldn't have to go alone (you will get to go to an u/s appointment soon, I promise)

- I had so many people willing to use their prayers on me through this battle and they are still praying (which is needed, thank you)
- I have met so many wonderful women that I would not have met if I didn't go through all of this, (shout out time)....Amy with My Journey Through TTC and Jess with My Notes on TTC & Life the both of you are so great, there are not even words to describe.  I pray that you get your sticky beans soon.
- Sis & Kristen thought this cycle was going to be the one so they bought me a monkey baby toy (sis said the IF prayer over it A LOT), baby socks and baby hangers.  Instructions were to rub them on my belly (and the crazy thing was I actually did it)
- Dr. Hart helping me by using her acupuncture skills and just listening when I wanted to cry.  And for introducing me to Michael Buble.
- I'm happy that I do not have to turn 30 next September with no baby.  I was really having a hard time with the thought of it at my last birthday, but little did I know that I was pregnant on my birthday with 3 babies.
- For the nurses and REs at Washington University for calling me back every single time, even though some of my questions were kind of ridiculous.
- That DH actually wants to go to Branson for Thanksgiving and seems to be excited about it.  The best part is both of our families are going also.
- For my co-workers being supportive and not complaining once when I had an appointment and for being understanding when I had to just drop everything and rush to the RE's office.
- Sis helping me clean when I am to tired to do it myself so I don't feel sad when I come home and my house is a mess.
- That I talked to someone about not being able to conceive for 2 years,  4 years ago and they encouraged me to go to my OB to talk about it.
- DH has not complained (at least not to me) about me not cooking at night and basically letting me just sleep when I get home from work AND for putting up with my crazy mood swings (I thought this was always an excuse for pregnant women to go nuts) but I know that I'm being unreasonable but can not stop when I'm in the mood.
- That God and I have that connection again, I had a bit of a falling out with God.  But now I am back to praying every single day.  I would sit in Church during the falling out and anytime the priest would say anything about helping people find God, I would actually cry thinking I really needed to go to confession to explain myself, instead I did it through prayer and it helped.
- I am thankful that I have three fur babies that always made me smile when I needed it. (Porkchop, Browning & Huey)
- I'm thankful for anything else that I am missing.

I MADE IT TO MY SECOND TRIMESTER, YIPEE.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving, eat lots.

The weekend

I titled the post this because this was the weekend that sis and I were going to clean out my spare bedroom so I could move the stuff junk from the nursery room in to it.  This is how it went down I went through two totes of stuff and then went into the room moved stuff around, sat on the bed and just stared at everything with that overwhelming look on my face.  What the heck am I going to do with all of this stuff, I can't get rid of it because I use it but I need to find a new location.  I need DH to go in with me to help figure stuff out.

On a better note I ordered a new washer and dryer last week, thanks to mom, dad, MIL & FIL I will get it on the 28th.  It may sound ridiculous but I am really excited to wash stuff with it.

A major note made over the weekend, the babies do NOT like cherry poptarts, this is the first time I ate something and was immediately in the bathroom after.

Jessica and Amy I just left the post office so you should have your stuff on Wednesday.  I believe that is what the lady said.

Forgot to mention

In my last post I forgot to mention a big milestone.  I got to stop PIO shots on Saturday, I'm really excited and so isn't my tush. YIPEE.

The genetic counselor just called and said the triplets look perfect.  Thank you God.

This is a dream I had last night.  I am in the hospital sleeping and all of a sudden all of these people just start running in waking me up.  We were doing a trial vaginal birth of triplets.  First off don't know how you do a trial version, second I'm going to have a c-section done.  It was a really crazy dream but is not the first crazy one I've had.  Just a preview of other dreams I've had, I delivered the babies myself in my bed, a tiger was trying to get me, someone broke into my house trying to kill me, there was someone walking through the woods in front of my house and my dad punched them (it was my uncle).  Those are the only ones that I can remember right now, but I do not know where I come up with this stuff.  Well then there are the sex dreams that I'm not even going to get in to.

11/14 Appointment

This was a very very long day.  We arrived at the doc office at 8am after driving 2 hours.  I was called in to have my u/s pretty quick (which was super great) as soon as she put the probe on my belly Baby B started moving its hands (either waving or telling us to go away so it could go back to sleep).  This appointment was a nuchal translucency screening (do you ask what this is b/c I had no idea until I asked?) which is:
The NT test uses ultrasound to measure the clear (translucent) space in the tissue at the back of your developing baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of their neck during the first trimester, causing this clear space to be larger than average.

I'm waiting to hear the final results but the ultrasound tech told me they want the measurement under 3 and they were way under that.  So that is good.

Okay for the stats 

Baby A measured 58.8 mm with 160 bpm

Baby B measured 54 mm with 158 bpm

Baby C measured 58.1 mm with 156 bpm

Some cute info about each one:

Baby A moved a little at first but fell asleep and was not cooperating at all

Baby B very active, waving & doing crunches

Baby C very active and sucking its thumb

The u/s tech wanted Baby A to move so she had me cough and it was so funny it looked like Baby B & C were in a snow globe b/c they started moving all over but it didn't even faze A.  I believe this one takes after DH b/c he is almost impossible to wake up.

This is where the very long day comes into play, the u/s tech said the OB wanted to talk to DH and I (I didn't have an appointment set up to see her), so we had to see if there was an appointment available, there was one at 11:30 so we had to wait an hour and a half.  DH was kinda freaking out thinking that something was wrong (I was worried also but not as much).  We went to the cafeteria to eat and waited, then waited some more.  We didn't get to see the OB until 1pm, I felt very very sick at this point b/c I needed more food BAD.  Guess what, all she wanted to know was if I had any freaking questions everything was fine otherwise. 

Went to Iowa over the weekend to DH's grandparents farm to help them do some chores.  All I have to say is I hope the trio loves to watch the cows as much as I do.  This weekend sis and I are going to start cleaning out the spare bedrooms so I can move stuff out of the future nursery to start painting.  I can not wait to show all of you what we are doing to the nursery.

Officially at 11 weeks

I had a great time Friday night we went out to eat at Lotta Watta Creek with my parents, sis, cousins and aunt.  I love spending time with family, with all the kids and excitement.  The bonfire and hayride was a success, it was great to see all the people that came, you really know how  much support you have when they help celebrate your big news.

I didn't want to start doing this until I was out of my first trimester but felt that it is time, to start keeping track.

How far along:  11 WEEKS
How big is baby:  About 2" long about the size of a lime

Maternity clothes:  Nope...lots of stretchy pants when I'm home though
Sleep:  Trying sleep on my side as much as possible (but wake up on my stomach still)
Best moment of the week:  Saw Baby B move on the u/s on 10-31
Food cravings:  Biscuits and gravy and cherry icee (but not at the same time)
Food aversions:  Pretty much everything I smell makes me nauseous
Symptoms:  nauseous, lots of sneezing, sore boobs, cramping, discharge, back pain
Movement:  Nothing that I feel
What I’m looking forward to:  My next u/s on 11/14
What I miss:  Eating something other than oatmeal.
Next appt:  11/14

Little Couple

I have followed the Little Couple on TLC since the show started and have went through my IF journey while they were going through theirs.  I was beyond happy for them last night when they got the BFP, then the black screen with 6 weeks later pops up.  Jenny was right when she said that no parent should have to go through a miscarriage, I feel for them.  However they did announce that they are going to continue on with the journey and try IVF again, good for them.  I hope they get the baby of their dreams, along with all of  my other IF blogger friends.

Oh Baby Baby....Baby

Today was my first appointment with the high risk OB, I really like him.  They said I will see about 3 doctors throughout my pregnancy, just depends who is available at the time of my appointment.

I actually had a real u/s this time with the gel stuff on the tummy and everything.  Not the condom on a stick.  However I must say with the vaginal u/s you get way better pictures.  B/c with the new pics that I have I can not figure out where the head is or anything, does this make me a bad mom?  Baby A & C were kinda hard to see and the tech said that we may not get a good pic of Baby A anymore, they are so squished together. We saw Baby B do a little jump/wiggle thing, as soon as she put the u/s thing over the baby it did its thing.  So cute.

Baby A measured 32.9 mm and 163 bpm
Baby B measured 30.8 mm and 163 bpm
Baby C measured 32.7 mm and 169 bpm

A & B measured at 10 weeks 2 days so they are a day a head.

Over the weekend I had a little bit of a freak out moment.  I had this brown stringy mucus discharge and really bad cramping.  I swore something was going to be wrong on the u/s today, I really didn't want to look at first but did.  DH told me that if someone would have told him 5 years ago that he would freak out every time I came out of the bathroom he would have said that they were crazy.  He asked me every time I came out, if I was okay, it is crazy how close you become about personal stuff when IF is involved.  The doc said that it was normal and that the cramping is not going to go away anytime soon.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE.

Horrible Horrible Dream

I do not know why we have really bad dream for that matter I do not know why we have crazy ones that do not make sense.  I woke up at 4:15 this morning and refused to go back to sleep b/c I did not want this dream to start back up again.

The dream nightmare went like this.
DH and I were late for my first OB appointment (which is on Monday) and we couldn't have the ultrasound done b/c that appointment was over already.  So I just had blood work and then I went home.  A nurse calls me really late that night asking me if someone had called me with the test results and I said no and she said well your progesterone is at a 7 (which I think she meant HCG but I'm not sure, plus I'm taking progesterone shots) so you miscarried.

It still makes me tear up thinking about it.  I went to the bathroom so I didn't wake DH up and just prayed that this was not going to be a dream come true.

Okay it has caught up with me

Morning All Day Sickness.  I do not actually throw up but I'm always nauseated so in turn I really really try to eat but nothing sounds good.  So I mainly eat oatmeal.  This is the worst part and I'm going to call my new OB about it today, I can not take my prenatal vitamins (without my stomach starting to contract or whatever it does to make you feel not so great).  I sneeze all the time and guess what right before I sneeze I feel like I'm going to throw up, do we see a pattern.  However I am grateful that I do not actually throw up.

This post is probably not something most want to read well b/c who would want to hear about being sick.  But I feel like I've passed a milestone and that is that I realized this morning that when I go to the bathroom I do not check for blood every single time.  Does that mean that I'm getting more comfortable with being pregnant and not thinking that something is going to be wrong all the time.  Sorry probably TMI again.

On another note super excited about Halloween coming up, going to a Sweet 16 Halloween bash this weekend.  Will post pics of the fun (yea right, I never post pics when I say I'm going to).  I hope all of you have a fun Halloween.

Update about the speaking thing at Washington University, it did not work out this time around (because of scheduling issues) however I am scheduled for next year once I have the babies.  I feel much better about it this time around and not so rushed.

**UPDATE**
Just talked to the doc and they recommended that I take prenatal gummy vitamins.  So I'm going to try that.

Need Opinions ASAP

Just got a call from my RE, she left a message asking if I could call her back b/c she had a favor to ask of me and she wanted to ask personally.  So I call her back trying to figure out what in the world it would be.  Here it is - She teaches a class at the University as well as being a doctor, she wants me to show up to her class for a half an hour Q&A.  So I am not a public speaker by far and I'm kinda already freaking out inside and I haven't even said I would do it.  I get so emotional when I talk about IF with people b/c it is a big part of my life and I do not  know if I could hold it together in front of these students.  Being nervous is not going to help the crying situation either. 

So here is where I need your opinion, would you do this if you were asked?

baby stats and more

Okay I'm just now getting to post baby stats.
Baby A - measured 1.65cm with a heart rate of 170bpm
Baby B - measured 1.63cm with a heart rate of 170bpm
Baby C - measured 1.68cm with a heart rate of 178bpm

I don't remember if I said this in the last post but I was released from the RE and have my first appointment with the high risk OB is on October 31st.  I'm pretty excited.  I will be 10 weeks at that point and I can not wait to see what the babies look like then. 

Had lunch with a best friend today and we were talking about how far along I am, if they do take me in at 32 weeks then I am 1/4 of the way there already.  She got the babies a very nice blanket and 3 cute onesies with chicks on them, adorable.

Now about everyday life, we are planning to have a bonfire/hayride the first weekend of November and I can not wait.  Someone said that it might snow before the end of this month, I hope that this is not a bad winter b/c I have a habit of not being graceful and do not want to fall while pregnant.  Oh Halloween is coming up and I have my costume all figured out I can not wait to post a picture of it.

Relief

Everything went super well today, Thank God. I will post the babies states later. I was just released from the RE. I'm transferring to a high risk OB. Thank you again for all the prayers and please keep them coming.

wondering

Do all IF pregnant ladies freak out about every little new feeling they have?  I just want Monday to get here so I can see/hear the heart beats.  I really try not to stress out but can not help it.

This weekend I'm going on a girls shopping trip so hopefully that will help me keep my mind off of everything.

I have not done very good with posting how I feel and what not so that I can remember later on down the road.  Saturday morning had my first bout of morning sickness, it kinda felt like sea sickness, it went away at about 9am.  My acupuncturists said that she was going to do a different technique to try to keep the morning sickness at bay.  I guess it worked.  Having all kinds of different feelings going on down south, that is kinda the part that freaks me out b/c I don't know if they are all good all the time.  Still having food aversions and wanting to sleep all the time.  Also I'm trying to drink a gallon fluids a day, in turn this makes me pee every half hour.

I forgot to add this, I am hungry all the time especially in the morning (I eat all morning) and if I do not eat and I get really hungry I feel really nauseous so you better give me food now when I want it.

Beep, Grumble, Ow

I woke up way earlier this morning than I wanted.  DH's alarm goes off FOREVER before he gets up, my stomach was growling for food and I have lots and lots of cramping.  So I grab a bowl of Apple Jacks (yum) and head to the couch to watch The Little Couple (DVRed).  I am glad that I'm feeling the cramping/fullness again because I really have not felt it much lately.

Last night DH's best friend, wife and little boy (red head) came over, I love spending time with them.  Red head was sleeping when the first arrived and I could have just watched him forever, he is the sweetest little thing.

DH & Red head going for a ride on the tractor

On a good note, I have not had morning sickness.  Only sore BBs, cramps, food aversions, cravings, pee a lot and been emotional.

Oh Sweet Jesus

First off sorry I didn't get to post yesterday I just could not get 5 minutes to sit in front of a computer.

The title was a comment made by one of the uncles to be.  My DH just leaned against the wall staring at the ultrasound screen not making a peep.

I saw two sacs initially and then after she swung the wand around guess what there was a third one.  So that is right I'm having triplets, when I got home last night getting ready to go to bed I asked DH if this all felt like a dream to him.  I just do not feel like it is real.

Now to the stats, I know think Baby C is a boy b/c it was the one that was hiding behind my bladder as in I had to use the restroom twice so that she could see him it.
Baby A measured .26cm and heart rate is 102bpm
Baby B measured .25cm and heart rate is 93bpm (I know it is lil slow but they said it was fine since it is still early)
Baby C measured .27cm and heart rate is 116bpm

It was wonderful to hear the heartbeats, the most wonderful sound in the world.

I know there is so much more to say but it is just not coming to me right now, again I feel like I'm dreaming.  My next ultrasound is October 17th.  If you have questions please ask.  Also I'm trying to think of nicknames for them instead of Baby A, B & C.

Super Pumped

Today I go for my first ultrasound, the main reason for the ultrasound is to see how many we are having.  I have waited for so long for this nothing could get me down.  I will update later as to what we find out.

I just went to the restroom (I know you really wanted to know that right), anyway there was a little bit of brown bloody discharge when I wiped.  My heart sank, but I know that it is ok but I'm telling the doc today anyway. 

Have a great day everyone.

Yipee Skippy

The doc just called after having to wait for a WEEK to have my second beta done.  And it was 10,805, they said that was a perfect number.  I am so happy right now that I'm shaking and I can hardly type.  My first ultrasound appointment is set for October 3rd, I am so happy they let me do it Monday b/c DH is off on Mondays.

I AM SOOOO HAPPY.  Thank you everyone for your prayers but please continue to pray b/c I have 9 months.  I am so so so so happy I could shout it from the roof tops.

Feeling

I want everyone know that I am not complaining what so ever, I just want to remember everything about this experience.

It seems that orange juice and I are not going to get along anymore I get really bad heart burn (I am not one to get heart burn often maybe once a year).  Do not have sore BBs in the morning when I get up they usually start around 9ish.  Have had some really bad cramping (kinda freaks me out) but the doc says this is normal.  Seems like after I eat I get ummmm....gassy. Haven't had morning sickness yet.

The 28th is taking FOREVER to get here, I really really want to see what my second beta is.  Please let it be around 10,000.

Holy Shit, Holy Shit, Oh My Gosh

Those were the words that my DH sputtered out a few minutes ago when I was on the phone with him.  Because the doctor finally called, here is the little information that my brain would comprehend.

Are you sitting down?
Your Beta is high it is 1066
We did transfer 3 blasts and we knew this could happen.
Drink lots of water and get lots of rest.
Your beta#2 is Sept 28
Then the ultrasound is going to be the first week of October.

THANK YOU GOD, please let this work out and be a good pregnancy.

Holy Nervous, Batman

Tomorrow at 8:30 I will be at the RE's office in line to get b/w done with all the other ladies looking anxious.  Saturday, Sunday and Monday you could really tell the hormones were taking a toll on me.   On Sunday night DH sat on the couch with me while I was eating left over ice cream birthday cake crying in my bowl and he was trying really really trying to say things to comfort me and it just was not working.  By Monday night I think that all my tears had dried up because I honestly felt like I could not cry anymore.

I believe the reason the crying all started is because sis's wedding was done and I didn't have anything else to put all my thoughts to anymore.  I honestly think that was the most beautiful wedding I have even been to, it even beat my own wedding out by a lot.  I will post a couple pics later once I have them loaded on the computer.

So please say a prayer for me, then if I have a BFN please say a prayer for DH because he is going to need it.  (I still have have the fullness/bloated feeling down south, sore BBs and now a crampy feeling)

Rewind

I forgot to type this on my last post. 

While on bed rest last Friday, I was catching up on everything that I had DVRed and was done watching one show so regular TV came on, it was on TLC on a show I've never heard of it was "Bringing Home Multiples".  While trying to find my next show this lady had IVF after TTC for 1 1/2 years she had 3 embies transferred and she was having triplets AND she had the same name I do.  HOLY SHIT, it was a little eerie b/c the same day I had 3 transferred.  So I am really not expecting this is a sign from the big Guy but I would really really be happy if it were.

The Longest 2WW

This is the longest 2WW well besides the last one and the time before that, well you get the picture.  I have only one more week to wait.  My BBs are sore and have a fullness down below (these are PMS symptoms for me), I posted on a forum to ask a couple transfer buddies what there thoughts on this is.  One said she thought it was the estrogen pills, that makes sense so that is keeping me from stressing (so much). 

Today is my last twenty something birthday, I really really pray that I am pregnant by the next birthday.  If not I will probably have a mid life crisis there was so much I wanted to accomplish in my 20's and having a baby was one of them.  Today I ran into my kindergarten teacher at the store she said her daughter (who is a year or so older than I am) did her first IVF, got a BFP and just delivered a girl.  I love hearing inspiring stories like that, that IF does not get the best of us.



I better sign off sis's wedding is this weekend and have lots to do tomorrow. Probably won't post again until next week sometime.  Please pray for me.

To trust in what I cannot see

So I am going in tomorrow for my FET, I'm not sure about a time yet (they still have not called).  Last night as I was getting my house straightened up (for the most part) and trying to think of everything that I need to put next to the couch for bed rest time, I realized that I am really nervous.  Besides how the hormones are making me feel, just ask DH I cry about important dumb things all the time (like not being able to find rubbing alcohol for the much dreaded PIO shot).  Anyway I just hope this works out because I will officially only have one more try at this after this transfer.  Please say prayers, I would really appreciate it.

**UPDATE** 
RE just called my appointment is at 8:15 tomorrow morning.

And were off

Had a date with the dildo cam yesterday, lining was 10mm and my ovaries looked "pretty" (I guess as pretty as they could look in black and white).  So this means I get to start 1/2cc of progesterone on Sunday along with an antibiotic, and baby aspirin and continue estrace and prenatal vitamins.  Then Monday I continue with everything but up the progesterone to 1cc and take 8mg medrol twice a day.  My date with the doc is set for Friday the 9th, I pray the embies thaw out okay and everything goes smoothly.  Then I really really pray that I have a high beta result on blood work day.

Now to give a well deserved shout out to a blogger (I just found it from another bloggers site).  But she makes some very good points about the new facebook craze (posting I am so and so weeks and craving whatever).

http://bigmamatales.blogspot.com/2011/09/it-does-not-raise-any-awareness-i-swear.html

yuck

So I have been having a couple things going on which this is probably going to be TMI so if you are not comfortable with reading about gross stuff PLEASE STOP HERE.

I have had so much discharge lately it is ridiculous like having to change my panties two times a day bad.  It is just clear and gross.  Anyway I've had it for about a week or so and thought maybe it was just a side effect to the estrodial.  Then this weekend, I get a smell from down south and it is not going away, I wash the area about 3 times a day and drink tons of water thinking it will help.  No, it doesn't.  Then last night the itching starts, so yes now I have discharge, smell and itchiness.  Called the doc (got a nurse) this morning to find out what is going on and she said that it sounds like an infection and she will have to call me back this afternoon to tell me what the doc wants to do.  But we may have to cancel the transfer if it does not clear up. WHAT?!?!? (I immediately get on google to find out why I have to cancel and if it is something like BV the mucus stuff could kill the sperm, but it doesn't really say anything about an embryo but I would think it would do the same thing?)

So now I'm waiting by the phone to find out what my fate is.  I hope that we can get this taken care of by the 9th. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Now that I got all of that out, I have to share a really disturbing story.  We went boating on Saturday and came back in around 8-ish.  Sis and I are getting everything out of the boat while DH & sis's fiance are strapping the boat down.  Sis is known for taking her sweet ass time to do everything and there was no exception this time.  But she had a good excuse, she was watching this couple with a little boy at the dock.  The guy grabbed the girl by the throat and acted like he was going to throw her in the river and was yelling at her.  All three of them start walking up to the parking lot and the guy is still yelling at the girl and telling the little boy that they were never going to see her again (in not so nice words).  She asked us if we were going the same direction that she needed to go and we said we were just to help her out.  I asked if the little boy was hers and she said no that it was his from someone else.  She said the guy was really drunk and had to call someone to drive him home.  I hope and pray that he did call someone.  Now that I think back I should have called the sheriffs office. (There is a lot more to this story but those were the major points)  Why didn't I think about calling the sheriffs office at that time.

Come on already

I tell ya, I am not a patient person and IF is not making it any better.  I am only a week away from my u/s and b/w day to see if my lining is ready for transfer.  I am about to go nuts, these waiting periods are the worse.  I try to keep myself busy but then when I do get that second of down time I look at the calendar to see where we are at.

So on to another subject, I am a reality TV junky, I DVR them all.  So last night watching Big Brother I was very disappointed that my fav guy was voted out.  So that is all I have to say on that matter.

This weekend hubby and I have a long list of stuff to accomplish.  We are working on landscaping and putting up the bird house that I bought last year (so my feathered friends have somewhere to go this winter).  I hope to wash windows also but I know that I may be pushing it.  According to the temperature thing in my car this morning it was 66 by the time I leave work it will be 90 so we should probably get an early start on our projects.

BIG wedding question

Let’s start from the beginning; my mom's best friend has three boys that are around my age.  We call each other brother and sister because that is basically what we are just different parents. So we are talking about one of the boys and his ex-girlfriend (I'm not sure how long they were together but I know they lived together for 3 years).  My sis and I had become really close with this girl to the point where we are all best friends; she is a bridesmaid in sis's wedding.  He is an usher.  So this is where the drama begins, he has a new girlfriend and we have heard from several people that he has all intentions of bringing this girl as his date (even though when they first broke up we asked that they do NOT bring dates, to keep the peace).  So I am sick to my stomach thinking about this, my sis does not deserve to have her special day messed up because a fight breaking out at the reception.  Also I know that if we ask them to leave if something looks like it is going to start there will be hard feelings.  What do I do?

short and sweet

I'm basically posting this because I want to remember how I am feeling. 

Started taking estrodial 9 days ago and since Sunday I have been sick. I do not want to eat anything (except last night I wanted peanut butter), I got home from work managed to do the dishes and put a load of laundry in the washer then went to bed (poor DH had to eat a lunch meat sandwich for supper).  I feel like I can not function I have tested my blood sugar and taken my blood pressure and they are normal.  So it has to be the meds, I do not remember feeling this way the last time I took them.  So hopefully this means something good, that I'm really getting the full affect from the meds and I will have a good pregnancy this time around? 

All in just one week

 So here is the story of my week, Monday you saw the mental breakdown unfold via blog.  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I was on the phone talking (begging) with my insurance company, the third party company that my employer uses, and my RE's office I got the bill down to a manageable amount that is paid.  Auntie Flow has decided to make her appearance today (got to love PCOS) so I started taking my estrodial (LOL spell check wants to turn estrodial into terrestrial, I know this doesn't have anything to do with this but thought it was funny), my FET is due for September 9th (the day before sis's bachelorette party).  Good thing is that I won't have the beta results on my birthday.

So the rest of my week was spent putting the finishing touches on sis's bridal shower, that went off without a hitch. It was really fun and people actually said that was the best shower they have been to in awhile.  Two points for me.

Bride To Be

before sis's bridal shower

Confused

Went camping and boating over the weekend (to kinda just get away), I even took today off so that I had a little bit longer before I had to go back to work.  Had a couple appointments today, acupuncture and DH was measured for his tux for sis's wedding.

I would like to report that today was a super great day but it kind of sucked.  I got a call from Eileen at the RE's office, this is how it went

E: You have an outstanding bill with our office and have to pay the balance in full before proceeding with your next cycle.
M: Okay, I don't recall receiving a bill to pay.
E: Oh you probably have not received the bill yet because it is relatively new.
M: So how much is the bill
E: $XXXX.XX and I see that your expected date for your cycle to start is on the 12th
M: Ummmm...yea, so I need to come up with that money by friday
E: Or you could skip this cycle and start fresh next time.
M: Okay thank you, I will let you know what I figure out.

I know this is not this ladies fault and I was not hateful with her at all (At my job I'm on her side of the desk and I get yelled at all the time).  But it just sucks so much, I told DH about the whole thing and his idea was to just start selling everything we had.  I told him no b/c if this cycle does not work I'm not going to come home to absolutely nothing at all, no babies and no material items.  When we had the original orientation with the doctor, we were told how much everything was going to be and this was not in the figure.  I just wish I had more time to come up with the money.  Here I am typing with tears rolling down my face, thinking that the acupuncture lady probably doesn't want me to come back b/c all I did was cry during my appointment (what made things worse was she had Angel by Sarah McLachlan playing, it gets me every time).  I asked her if I didn't go through with this next cycle should I hold out on acu.  She said no, we will continue and she said that sometimes we need a break for our bodies and I said I did take a break and told her about the phone call.  And she said oh so this is all over money.  Do you ever feel like you are just another person on your RE's appointment book/money in their pocket, I can count on one hand how many times that I have actually seen my RE, most of the time it is her nurse (even on the phone which I've only talked to her once).  I know this isn't her fault either, I just don't want to wait another month.  Is this a sign from God saying that I shouldn't go through with this cycle and get the results on my birthday?  Just another question in my life unanswered.

Much complaining

I have started to write this post so many times in the last day or so and erased thinking that no one wants to listen/read the complaining, but here we go anyway.

I have reached the end of my rope, I'm not sure if it just stress or pms or both (good possibility).  The acupuncturist asked me yesterday if I feel like I'm feeling more relaxed and I said no way and I'm not sure anything will help it, I am a stressed person by nature and I really really wish I weren't (if I could change one thing about myself that is what it would be).  I bought a yoga dvd thinking that might help but haven't had time to even open it yet, isn't that crazy.  AF should show her face in 5-7 days for this whole process to start over again (don't get me wrong I'm glad that I can afford to do it again) and I pray to God that this is the time that it takes and is sticky. DH and I are at each others throats every time we see each other, which truthfully is only 2-3 hours a day if we are lucky (I know most of the time it is my fault).  My whole life just feels off balance (it has pretty much been this way for the last 3 1/2 years) and it is just getting worse. I hate to say this but if nothing happens by the end of this year I feel like we are going to have to stop TTC, which I will probably die from a broken heart.

Sis's bridal shower is next Sunday, I'm excited for it to be here.  It is going to go great, I believe everything is pretty much done for it.

what to do

At work a lady came into get her signature notarized, sometimes people feel that they should tell us what they are getting notarized and this lady was one of them.  This time I was very interested in her story because she is a surrogate, she is working with a family from Nantucket.  I do not really know much about surrogacy other than what I have read on the internet but it was so nice to ask her questions and have them answered right away.  She didn't hold anything back, I asked her what the story of the people she is working with this time and it pretty much sounds like my husband and I, just hundreds of miles away.  She urged me not to give up my battle until I feel that I had tried everything (and is ready) then look into surrogacy or adoption (I am not to that point yet) and to educate myself on both before choosing.  Also she asked if any of my family or friends have volunteered to be a surrogate and I said they have, she told me what to look for in that person and I told her my fears of having someone that I am close to become a surrogate for me.  She advised that everyone see a therapist all together and separately. 
If I do not get anything done today I still feel accomplished by that little conversation.

so hot

This weekend was a very hot/humid weekend, but it was a fun one.  Went to two birthday parties one being a best friends 30th birthday and the other another best friends daughters 4th birthday party.  The 4th birthday party was kinda bitter sweet, I love that little girl more than I could love any other kid but it was one of those parties that are only fun if you are a kid or if you have a kid at the party.  Watching all the kids have fun was just another battle of the heart for me, I believe that I will have a child that I get to watch have fun at a birthday party one of these days.
Went boating again, took my two cousins with us, one had never been tubing before.  She was afraid but did really well (we took it easy on her), however they did not take it easy on me I am very sore today.  I will post pics of the boating fun later on this week.
I am very happy for the bloggers that I follow because there have been a lot of BFPs lately, I do not want any of you to feel like you can not post on my blogs anymore because you are pregnant and I have not gotten the BFP yet.  It will happen eventually. 

First Session of having pins stuck in me

Had my first acupuncture session yesterday, it was actually really nice until it came time to pay the bill.  Here is a run down of what happened for those that have not experienced acupuncture before. First she asked me my life history, she adjusted my back, then she did a complete physical overview on me (I'm not one to sit still and better yet not talk, I had to do both) she told me that I have a hard time digesting protein (not sure how she figured that out but okay).  She said she wanted to go ahead and do the first session of acupuncture since she only had 6 weeks to get me straightened out (9/2 is FET day) so we go into another room and she sticks about 8 pins in me (1 in each hand, 1 in each arm, 1 next to each knee, then 1 by each ankle) it didn't hurt but I could certainly feel her putting them in.  She put a bunch of stickers and wires   on me I believe either on or next to each needle and said that she was going to leave me for 20 minutes.  I'm thinking okay I will try to relax, no way is that possible when I can not move, then guess what....my nose starts to itch and there is nothing that I can do about it, I guess I finally fell asleep b/c next thing I know I am done.  Oh I forgot she taped my feet up saying this will keep the energy flowing, I have to leave the tape on until Saturday (taking a shower was not easy).  Overall I think it went well, I have to take three different vitamins a day on top of the metformin and prenatals that I already take.

I need a money tree, money angel, lucky pig, to win the lottery or whatever works.  I really try not to complain about how much IF treatments cost but this really sucks.  How is it some people have it so easy, they can have kids naturally and they do not have to throw money away treatment after treatment.  But you never know, if you do not do that ONE treatment, it could have been the one that worked.  I know that some of my fellow bloggers have gone on vacation lately, does this really work, I feel like I just want to get away but I think what I need a break from is thinking.

So thankful for the people in my life

When everything is looking crazy and/or down, I'm glad that I have the people in my life that truly care. 

Friday I called my RE to tell her AF had shown up FINALLY, she wanted me to get to her office for an ultrasound on the "problem" cyst before 1pm and this is at 10:30am (I have an hour drive and that is in good traffic plus my first acupuncture app at 1:30).  My co-worker let me leave early on short notice (thank you christy) and I called my mom (I wanted someone to go with me b/c I didn't know what the results would be) she couldn't so I called my sister she closed her business up to go (long story short my mom ended going in the long run, Thanks momma and sis). Anyway having the ultrasound done and she can not find a cyst that she says would matter (I was happy but then again kinda upset, I thought we would find a good reason for all the miscarriages), but the doc is going to call on Wednesday to give me the final answer.  I missed my acupuncture appointment (I am super pumped about going b/c it feels like this is something that I can do to help) but did get to reschedule for Wednesday (this is going to be a really good day).

So I have my new tentative schedule for FET (which I'm kind of nervous to put on here b/c it didn't work out the last time, but here we go)
          Ultrasound: 8/26
          Start Progesterone: 8/28
          FET:  9/2

Lots going on in August and September (sister's shower, bachelorette party, & wedding) so hopefully everything going on will keep my mind from worrying about the transfer.  I better get off of here to go to bed because we are going to have a SUNDAY FUNDAY tomorrow (going boating) should be lots of fun.

 Again thank you to everyone.

Can't rain on my parade

Okay, so it did rain on my parade, we fixed the float the best that we could and went on with the show.  We won "Most Followed Theme" so it was all worth it, plus to see the look of excitement on all of the kids faces was totally worth it.

Now ready for the rest of Fair week.

do not know what this title should be

Want to give a shout out to my hubby, yesterday was his Birthday.  We had a BBQ today with my parents, sister & fiance, and his parents, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle and grandparents.  It was so incredibly hot but I believe it went well.
 
We are working on my sisters company's (Julie's Graphics) parade float tomorrow night, it is the kick off to our County Fair, this is the best week of the summer.  The theme for the parade is shoot for the stars, my sister in law thought of what we should do Hollywood Walk of Fame.  So people will see Snooki, Marge Simpson, Dolly Parton, Cher, Daisy Duke, Donna from That 70s Show, Rizzo from Grease and Hannah Montana (we know that they are not all on the walk of fame but it was really hard to come up with people that were recognizable by costume). When you think of the float it is not anything you see at the rose bowl parade this is a small town parade so it is not the greatest thing but the kids LOVE it. Here is a pic of last years float, we won best in participation:

Okay now down to the depressing stuff, yes you guessed it, the big fat ugly IF. YUCK.  We are not doing FET anymore this month it might be pushed to next month (that is a big maybe), I feel like another crappy thing has happened I'm so tired of crap.  But I agree with the doctor on giving my body a rest b/c it is really hard on it taking all the shots and having your ovaries swell up to 20 times the size they should be.  Trying to think positive that this will turn into a good thing, hope next month is my month.

Only in my dreams

Last night I had a dream that I was walking through the grocery store and my bff daughter was sitting in the front and I was tickling and playing with her.  I walk a little further and I have this new born baby in my arms sleeping, I looked down at the baby (for some reason I knew it was a boy) and my heart felt full.  Then a loud obnoxious noise came about, I hit SNOOZE on the alarm.  I closed my eyes praying that I could go back to sleep because I wanted so badly to feel complete again, but it didn't happen.  A couple weeks ago I had a dream about a baby again, I was feeding it with a bottle (this time it was a girl) someone else wanted to hold her so I passed her on and then I picked up a puppy and started feeding it with a bottle.  My dreams are so vivid, I just wish that they would tell me where these babies are coming from, do I continue on my IVF journey or adopt?

Amy - Thank you for commenting on my post the other day, I am between cycles right now so that is the ONLY way that I do not think about it on a daily basis (or better yet of every second of every day).

PS. Wherefore art thou AF, if you do not show up by tomorrow on your own the RE told me to call and we will make you happen.

Ms Anthony

I'm not sure what everyone's reaction to the news yesterday was, but I do know what my reaction was and it was a sick feeling to my stomach.  I was not in the courtroom and I was not a juror that had the make a tough decision deciding the fate of this woman but I read almost all the articles written and watched the news about this case.  I felt that she did it the entire time but if there was not enough evidence to prosecute her then that is just the way it was.  But for someone not to report that their child is missing for 30 days is horrible to me and on top of that to go partying while she is missing.  I personally have grieved over 3 miscarriages and for this woman to act like she did when she obviously had a good pregnancy is unbelievable to me.  So Ms Anthony you may or may not have killed your child but you are going to have to live with yourself for the rest of your life and I hope that your conscience gets to you.

Rest In Peace Caylee Anthony.

Weekends, the way they should be

I've had a nice weekend thus far.
Friday - Picked up my little sisters wedding dress (she is getting married 9/17/11), I'm sure you will hear a lot more about the wedding coming up. Visited with my husbands BFF (he would kill me if he saw that I put BFF), wife and son (they were visiting from Reno).  They should move back, we really miss them.  The ladies in the group played outburst (it was fun) but figured out it was the earlier 90's so you really had to think back to that time to answer some of the questions.
Saturday - Figured out a lap to walk (yes I am going to start walking 3 times a week) it was a good walk not one that I'm going to try to make up excuses to get out of.  Went up to the State Street Music Festival/Car Show with the sister and sister in law then later with all of our hubbies.  I will try to post a pic of the shirts that my sister did for it they were really good (she owns a graphic design business).  Started to storm so we ran to the car and went over to my BFF's house, had a good time catching up on gossip.
Sunday - Lazy morning.  Typing this and should be outside helping my DH he is building a deck onto our house.  So I guess I should end this and go help.

Yipee this was my first blog not about IF.  So exciting I guess this shows I'm not letting it control my life right now. Have a great week everyone.

This should be in a dictionary

I just found this on another blog and I love how well it describes everything about IF.

Infertility is hard.  Faith questioning, life changing, marriage shattering, friendship ruining, isolating, horrifyingly, miserably hard.  With infertility you are poked and prodded from all angles... From your friends and family asking you when you're going to have babies, to your doctors spending more time looking at your genitalia than your spouse.  It's expensive to the point that sometimes, some people with infertility are forced to make decisions like, "Do we put a down payment on a house... or pursue IVF?"  Infertility changes your life. 

Since every person is different, every person's struggle with infertility will be different.  Some lean on their faith, some lean on their doctors, some lean on their family and friends, and some have absolutely no where to lean.   Every struggle is different too because not only is every person different, every person has a different diagnosis or allergies to certain medicines or drugs, or they have different personal convictions.  No two infertility journeys are exactly alike, so the struggle with infertility cannot successfully be generalized.

What a day

Yesterday was a bitter sweet day, I love my dad and father in law they deserve to have a wonderful day all about them.  Had a BBQ with my parents and in laws which was nice, but all that morning I was dreading getting out of bed because I knew that the DH was not a Father or even a Father-to-be.  So what did I do? I drank wine....I know this isn't the answer but at least it gave me something to think about (my sister bought four different kinds so we had our own little wine tasting, no one else drank any just the two of us, it was a nice bonding experience).
We are all sitting there talking having a nice time and then a call comes asking if my sister in law is pregnant (we were at a wedding reception the night before and she didn't have any alcoholic drinks) so people were curious, well if I didn't drink enough wine by then I started to drink more.  By the way she said no.
I saw that a couple of the people that I follow had a rotten day yesterday but I hope that next year we will really be able to celebrate Father's day.

A Plan to Attack

****Had to edit the dates on this post everything should be July nothing in June****

So we have an official plan/tentative schedule now:
If AF does show up on July 4th (like she should) I will start taking estrogen pills three times a day. (this is to thicken up my lining)
They want me to call on the 5th to set up an u/s to check that cyst.
7/22 - b/w & u/s
7/24 - start progesterone shots
7/29 - FET

Really hope this is my time. Fingers Crossed.

somethin to talk about

Just talked to my actual RE, if we do the FET (which we have decided to do this next cycle) they will thaw all 3 embies out and will transfer all 3 if they make the thaw.  First off she wants to do an ultrasound to see how my tube looks that I had surgery on in 2009 (to open it up, had a blockage) they saw a cyst on it at the beginning of this cycle, she said it might be good to remove it.  They are going to give me an estrogen patch to thicken my lining and do an ultrasound every week to monitor my lining, then when it gets to where they like it we will do the FET.  Then they will start me on the progesterone shots.

I know I'm probably running this into the ground with them but I asked again why do they think I keep having miscarriages, she said it is probably from the PCOS.  Soooo I wanted to know exactly what the pcos was doing to make it happen, she said my eggs could be not so good, they are fertilizing and everything but there is something that they may not see.

the call finally came

A doc from Wash U called to tell me what was discussed at their meeting about my cycle.  It all sounded promising, he said it is my decision if I want to use the 3 frozen embryos this time or in the future.  If I decide to do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) I can basically pick what day of the week I want to do it, as long as the thawing process goes well.
So I feel positive again after that phone call.
My doctor is going to call me next Tuesday when she gets back from vacation, so if I think of any other questions I can ask.
Oh if I decide to do a fresh cycle they are going to adjust some of my shots and they are not going to do a partial ICSI because they said it was not necessary.
I HAVE HOPE.

the results are in

So I went and got my HCG-beta (blood pregnancy test) on Friday, the nurse called me Friday evening with the results. All I have got to say is dreams do come true (if you do not understand this I will tell you about it towards the end of this email), I went in was the 3rd person in line, got my test went to work and worked till noon then went straight home. I wanted to be by myself when I found out what the results were b/c I had a bad feeling. The nurse called around 3 she asked how I was and I said well it depends on what your going to tell me, her voice went soft (I knew that I didn't want to hear what she had to say) and said well its not exactly good. My test came out as a positive (you think good but it is not) however my levels were so low (hcg was a 5) that this was not going to be a good pregnancy. So they wanted me to come back in Monday (today) to do another hcg-beta and hopefully this one would be negative. I never in my life wished that I would have a pregnancy test come out as negative. I had prepared myself for a negative or a positive, but think it could be a positive but.....

So last night I did have a miscarriage, I know for a fact that this one is going to be negative.
The nurse said Dr. Molle is going to talk to the other doctors in a meeting on Tuesday and see what they recommend since this is the 3rd miscarriage, I hope they figure something out to try b/c I honestly and beginning to wonder why I am doing this to myself, it is torture.

My DH was really great last night he really didn't leave my side and was doing everything and anything to make things easier on me, even though I know he was grieving just like I am/was.

Anyway to the dream now (I have some crazy ones) I went to the doc office to get blood work and stood in line with about 5 women had my blood drawn then stood in the results line, while standing there I heard a lady a computer say well there are 4 positive and 1 negative. I just knew that I would be a negative so I went to hide (in a place that looked like walmart) the nurses finally found me and said you are a positive but there is something wrong and we will have to do a transfer (I have no idea what this means) after that I woke up really upset.

HCG

Today I had beta-hcg it is either going to be a good day or very bad. Last night all I could think about is I don't feel any different at all, so that made me upset. I guess we will find out sometime soon, that lady that was drawing blood said that she had several of us already this morning, I hope we all have good news today.