yuck

So I have been having a couple things going on which this is probably going to be TMI so if you are not comfortable with reading about gross stuff PLEASE STOP HERE.

I have had so much discharge lately it is ridiculous like having to change my panties two times a day bad.  It is just clear and gross.  Anyway I've had it for about a week or so and thought maybe it was just a side effect to the estrodial.  Then this weekend, I get a smell from down south and it is not going away, I wash the area about 3 times a day and drink tons of water thinking it will help.  No, it doesn't.  Then last night the itching starts, so yes now I have discharge, smell and itchiness.  Called the doc (got a nurse) this morning to find out what is going on and she said that it sounds like an infection and she will have to call me back this afternoon to tell me what the doc wants to do.  But we may have to cancel the transfer if it does not clear up. WHAT?!?!? (I immediately get on google to find out why I have to cancel and if it is something like BV the mucus stuff could kill the sperm, but it doesn't really say anything about an embryo but I would think it would do the same thing?)

So now I'm waiting by the phone to find out what my fate is.  I hope that we can get this taken care of by the 9th. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Now that I got all of that out, I have to share a really disturbing story.  We went boating on Saturday and came back in around 8-ish.  Sis and I are getting everything out of the boat while DH & sis's fiance are strapping the boat down.  Sis is known for taking her sweet ass time to do everything and there was no exception this time.  But she had a good excuse, she was watching this couple with a little boy at the dock.  The guy grabbed the girl by the throat and acted like he was going to throw her in the river and was yelling at her.  All three of them start walking up to the parking lot and the guy is still yelling at the girl and telling the little boy that they were never going to see her again (in not so nice words).  She asked us if we were going the same direction that she needed to go and we said we were just to help her out.  I asked if the little boy was hers and she said no that it was his from someone else.  She said the guy was really drunk and had to call someone to drive him home.  I hope and pray that he did call someone.  Now that I think back I should have called the sheriffs office. (There is a lot more to this story but those were the major points)  Why didn't I think about calling the sheriffs office at that time.

Come on already

I tell ya, I am not a patient person and IF is not making it any better.  I am only a week away from my u/s and b/w day to see if my lining is ready for transfer.  I am about to go nuts, these waiting periods are the worse.  I try to keep myself busy but then when I do get that second of down time I look at the calendar to see where we are at.

So on to another subject, I am a reality TV junky, I DVR them all.  So last night watching Big Brother I was very disappointed that my fav guy was voted out.  So that is all I have to say on that matter.

This weekend hubby and I have a long list of stuff to accomplish.  We are working on landscaping and putting up the bird house that I bought last year (so my feathered friends have somewhere to go this winter).  I hope to wash windows also but I know that I may be pushing it.  According to the temperature thing in my car this morning it was 66 by the time I leave work it will be 90 so we should probably get an early start on our projects.

BIG wedding question

Let’s start from the beginning; my mom's best friend has three boys that are around my age.  We call each other brother and sister because that is basically what we are just different parents. So we are talking about one of the boys and his ex-girlfriend (I'm not sure how long they were together but I know they lived together for 3 years).  My sis and I had become really close with this girl to the point where we are all best friends; she is a bridesmaid in sis's wedding.  He is an usher.  So this is where the drama begins, he has a new girlfriend and we have heard from several people that he has all intentions of bringing this girl as his date (even though when they first broke up we asked that they do NOT bring dates, to keep the peace).  So I am sick to my stomach thinking about this, my sis does not deserve to have her special day messed up because a fight breaking out at the reception.  Also I know that if we ask them to leave if something looks like it is going to start there will be hard feelings.  What do I do?

short and sweet

I'm basically posting this because I want to remember how I am feeling. 

Started taking estrodial 9 days ago and since Sunday I have been sick. I do not want to eat anything (except last night I wanted peanut butter), I got home from work managed to do the dishes and put a load of laundry in the washer then went to bed (poor DH had to eat a lunch meat sandwich for supper).  I feel like I can not function I have tested my blood sugar and taken my blood pressure and they are normal.  So it has to be the meds, I do not remember feeling this way the last time I took them.  So hopefully this means something good, that I'm really getting the full affect from the meds and I will have a good pregnancy this time around? 

All in just one week

 So here is the story of my week, Monday you saw the mental breakdown unfold via blog.  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I was on the phone talking (begging) with my insurance company, the third party company that my employer uses, and my RE's office I got the bill down to a manageable amount that is paid.  Auntie Flow has decided to make her appearance today (got to love PCOS) so I started taking my estrodial (LOL spell check wants to turn estrodial into terrestrial, I know this doesn't have anything to do with this but thought it was funny), my FET is due for September 9th (the day before sis's bachelorette party).  Good thing is that I won't have the beta results on my birthday.

So the rest of my week was spent putting the finishing touches on sis's bridal shower, that went off without a hitch. It was really fun and people actually said that was the best shower they have been to in awhile.  Two points for me.

Bride To Be

before sis's bridal shower

Confused

Went camping and boating over the weekend (to kinda just get away), I even took today off so that I had a little bit longer before I had to go back to work.  Had a couple appointments today, acupuncture and DH was measured for his tux for sis's wedding.

I would like to report that today was a super great day but it kind of sucked.  I got a call from Eileen at the RE's office, this is how it went

E: You have an outstanding bill with our office and have to pay the balance in full before proceeding with your next cycle.
M: Okay, I don't recall receiving a bill to pay.
E: Oh you probably have not received the bill yet because it is relatively new.
M: So how much is the bill
E: $XXXX.XX and I see that your expected date for your cycle to start is on the 12th
M: Ummmm...yea, so I need to come up with that money by friday
E: Or you could skip this cycle and start fresh next time.
M: Okay thank you, I will let you know what I figure out.

I know this is not this ladies fault and I was not hateful with her at all (At my job I'm on her side of the desk and I get yelled at all the time).  But it just sucks so much, I told DH about the whole thing and his idea was to just start selling everything we had.  I told him no b/c if this cycle does not work I'm not going to come home to absolutely nothing at all, no babies and no material items.  When we had the original orientation with the doctor, we were told how much everything was going to be and this was not in the figure.  I just wish I had more time to come up with the money.  Here I am typing with tears rolling down my face, thinking that the acupuncture lady probably doesn't want me to come back b/c all I did was cry during my appointment (what made things worse was she had Angel by Sarah McLachlan playing, it gets me every time).  I asked her if I didn't go through with this next cycle should I hold out on acu.  She said no, we will continue and she said that sometimes we need a break for our bodies and I said I did take a break and told her about the phone call.  And she said oh so this is all over money.  Do you ever feel like you are just another person on your RE's appointment book/money in their pocket, I can count on one hand how many times that I have actually seen my RE, most of the time it is her nurse (even on the phone which I've only talked to her once).  I know this isn't her fault either, I just don't want to wait another month.  Is this a sign from God saying that I shouldn't go through with this cycle and get the results on my birthday?  Just another question in my life unanswered.

Much complaining

I have started to write this post so many times in the last day or so and erased thinking that no one wants to listen/read the complaining, but here we go anyway.

I have reached the end of my rope, I'm not sure if it just stress or pms or both (good possibility).  The acupuncturist asked me yesterday if I feel like I'm feeling more relaxed and I said no way and I'm not sure anything will help it, I am a stressed person by nature and I really really wish I weren't (if I could change one thing about myself that is what it would be).  I bought a yoga dvd thinking that might help but haven't had time to even open it yet, isn't that crazy.  AF should show her face in 5-7 days for this whole process to start over again (don't get me wrong I'm glad that I can afford to do it again) and I pray to God that this is the time that it takes and is sticky. DH and I are at each others throats every time we see each other, which truthfully is only 2-3 hours a day if we are lucky (I know most of the time it is my fault).  My whole life just feels off balance (it has pretty much been this way for the last 3 1/2 years) and it is just getting worse. I hate to say this but if nothing happens by the end of this year I feel like we are going to have to stop TTC, which I will probably die from a broken heart.

Sis's bridal shower is next Sunday, I'm excited for it to be here.  It is going to go great, I believe everything is pretty much done for it.

what to do

At work a lady came into get her signature notarized, sometimes people feel that they should tell us what they are getting notarized and this lady was one of them.  This time I was very interested in her story because she is a surrogate, she is working with a family from Nantucket.  I do not really know much about surrogacy other than what I have read on the internet but it was so nice to ask her questions and have them answered right away.  She didn't hold anything back, I asked her what the story of the people she is working with this time and it pretty much sounds like my husband and I, just hundreds of miles away.  She urged me not to give up my battle until I feel that I had tried everything (and is ready) then look into surrogacy or adoption (I am not to that point yet) and to educate myself on both before choosing.  Also she asked if any of my family or friends have volunteered to be a surrogate and I said they have, she told me what to look for in that person and I told her my fears of having someone that I am close to become a surrogate for me.  She advised that everyone see a therapist all together and separately. 
If I do not get anything done today I still feel accomplished by that little conversation.