Weekends, the way they should be

I've had a nice weekend thus far.
Friday - Picked up my little sisters wedding dress (she is getting married 9/17/11), I'm sure you will hear a lot more about the wedding coming up. Visited with my husbands BFF (he would kill me if he saw that I put BFF), wife and son (they were visiting from Reno).  They should move back, we really miss them.  The ladies in the group played outburst (it was fun) but figured out it was the earlier 90's so you really had to think back to that time to answer some of the questions.
Saturday - Figured out a lap to walk (yes I am going to start walking 3 times a week) it was a good walk not one that I'm going to try to make up excuses to get out of.  Went up to the State Street Music Festival/Car Show with the sister and sister in law then later with all of our hubbies.  I will try to post a pic of the shirts that my sister did for it they were really good (she owns a graphic design business).  Started to storm so we ran to the car and went over to my BFF's house, had a good time catching up on gossip.
Sunday - Lazy morning.  Typing this and should be outside helping my DH he is building a deck onto our house.  So I guess I should end this and go help.

Yipee this was my first blog not about IF.  So exciting I guess this shows I'm not letting it control my life right now. Have a great week everyone.

This should be in a dictionary

I just found this on another blog and I love how well it describes everything about IF.

Infertility is hard.  Faith questioning, life changing, marriage shattering, friendship ruining, isolating, horrifyingly, miserably hard.  With infertility you are poked and prodded from all angles... From your friends and family asking you when you're going to have babies, to your doctors spending more time looking at your genitalia than your spouse.  It's expensive to the point that sometimes, some people with infertility are forced to make decisions like, "Do we put a down payment on a house... or pursue IVF?"  Infertility changes your life. 

Since every person is different, every person's struggle with infertility will be different.  Some lean on their faith, some lean on their doctors, some lean on their family and friends, and some have absolutely no where to lean.   Every struggle is different too because not only is every person different, every person has a different diagnosis or allergies to certain medicines or drugs, or they have different personal convictions.  No two infertility journeys are exactly alike, so the struggle with infertility cannot successfully be generalized.

What a day

Yesterday was a bitter sweet day, I love my dad and father in law they deserve to have a wonderful day all about them.  Had a BBQ with my parents and in laws which was nice, but all that morning I was dreading getting out of bed because I knew that the DH was not a Father or even a Father-to-be.  So what did I do? I drank wine....I know this isn't the answer but at least it gave me something to think about (my sister bought four different kinds so we had our own little wine tasting, no one else drank any just the two of us, it was a nice bonding experience).
We are all sitting there talking having a nice time and then a call comes asking if my sister in law is pregnant (we were at a wedding reception the night before and she didn't have any alcoholic drinks) so people were curious, well if I didn't drink enough wine by then I started to drink more.  By the way she said no.
I saw that a couple of the people that I follow had a rotten day yesterday but I hope that next year we will really be able to celebrate Father's day.

A Plan to Attack

****Had to edit the dates on this post everything should be July nothing in June****

So we have an official plan/tentative schedule now:
If AF does show up on July 4th (like she should) I will start taking estrogen pills three times a day. (this is to thicken up my lining)
They want me to call on the 5th to set up an u/s to check that cyst.
7/22 - b/w & u/s
7/24 - start progesterone shots
7/29 - FET

Really hope this is my time. Fingers Crossed.

somethin to talk about

Just talked to my actual RE, if we do the FET (which we have decided to do this next cycle) they will thaw all 3 embies out and will transfer all 3 if they make the thaw.  First off she wants to do an ultrasound to see how my tube looks that I had surgery on in 2009 (to open it up, had a blockage) they saw a cyst on it at the beginning of this cycle, she said it might be good to remove it.  They are going to give me an estrogen patch to thicken my lining and do an ultrasound every week to monitor my lining, then when it gets to where they like it we will do the FET.  Then they will start me on the progesterone shots.

I know I'm probably running this into the ground with them but I asked again why do they think I keep having miscarriages, she said it is probably from the PCOS.  Soooo I wanted to know exactly what the pcos was doing to make it happen, she said my eggs could be not so good, they are fertilizing and everything but there is something that they may not see.

the call finally came

A doc from Wash U called to tell me what was discussed at their meeting about my cycle.  It all sounded promising, he said it is my decision if I want to use the 3 frozen embryos this time or in the future.  If I decide to do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) I can basically pick what day of the week I want to do it, as long as the thawing process goes well.
So I feel positive again after that phone call.
My doctor is going to call me next Tuesday when she gets back from vacation, so if I think of any other questions I can ask.
Oh if I decide to do a fresh cycle they are going to adjust some of my shots and they are not going to do a partial ICSI because they said it was not necessary.
I HAVE HOPE.

the results are in

So I went and got my HCG-beta (blood pregnancy test) on Friday, the nurse called me Friday evening with the results. All I have got to say is dreams do come true (if you do not understand this I will tell you about it towards the end of this email), I went in was the 3rd person in line, got my test went to work and worked till noon then went straight home. I wanted to be by myself when I found out what the results were b/c I had a bad feeling. The nurse called around 3 she asked how I was and I said well it depends on what your going to tell me, her voice went soft (I knew that I didn't want to hear what she had to say) and said well its not exactly good. My test came out as a positive (you think good but it is not) however my levels were so low (hcg was a 5) that this was not going to be a good pregnancy. So they wanted me to come back in Monday (today) to do another hcg-beta and hopefully this one would be negative. I never in my life wished that I would have a pregnancy test come out as negative. I had prepared myself for a negative or a positive, but think it could be a positive but.....

So last night I did have a miscarriage, I know for a fact that this one is going to be negative.
The nurse said Dr. Molle is going to talk to the other doctors in a meeting on Tuesday and see what they recommend since this is the 3rd miscarriage, I hope they figure something out to try b/c I honestly and beginning to wonder why I am doing this to myself, it is torture.

My DH was really great last night he really didn't leave my side and was doing everything and anything to make things easier on me, even though I know he was grieving just like I am/was.

Anyway to the dream now (I have some crazy ones) I went to the doc office to get blood work and stood in line with about 5 women had my blood drawn then stood in the results line, while standing there I heard a lady a computer say well there are 4 positive and 1 negative. I just knew that I would be a negative so I went to hide (in a place that looked like walmart) the nurses finally found me and said you are a positive but there is something wrong and we will have to do a transfer (I have no idea what this means) after that I woke up really upset.

HCG

Today I had beta-hcg it is either going to be a good day or very bad. Last night all I could think about is I don't feel any different at all, so that made me upset. I guess we will find out sometime soon, that lady that was drawing blood said that she had several of us already this morning, I hope we all have good news today.