Sunday, March 11, 2012

Heart aches

I know that I'm not updating nearly as much as I would like but honestly I do not know what to say when I have the chance to sit at the computer.  My heart hurts! I just want my babies to be well and home with me so when they cry I can hold them and console them instead of just watching with tears in my eyes because I can not just pick them up and make everything better.  I want a kiss to be their medicine that will make everything better.  No this is not the case.  They had to sedate Wyatt today because he is so uncomfortable with his breathing.  The doctors told me this was going to be an emotional roller coaster ride my first thought oh the last 5 - 6 years have been an emotional roller coaster ride trying to conceive them I can take it.  Hell no, nothing prepared me for this.  DH keeps saying we have to stop comparing how Wyatt is doing to how well Haylee Jo and Layne are, I'm trying not to do this but it is so hard.  Their doctor sat me down a couple days ago and told me that I have to rest and take care of myself, how can I do this when every time I'm not there I call for an update it is something worse than the last time I was there.

The story on Wyatt.  He has a small leak in one of his lungs and his right lung keeps collapsing.  They are giving him steroids to help with inflammation (the ventilator causes inflammation but he needs it to breath) in turn the steroids are going to stop his growth (which they assure me they keeping a close eye on).  He is so stressed that every time someone even lifts the blanket off his incubator to take a peak at him his stats go crazy.  So in turn I can sit next to his incubator but I went 2 days without even seeing him.  I finally saw him yesterday because the nurse had to get some blood from him and I asked if I could just look in on him when she was done.

Haylee Jo and Layne are doing so good, do not get me wrong I am so thankful they are doing so well.  They have their days where they do not feel well but all in all things are going well.  They are both on a high humidity breathing machine (this is the last step before they can breath on their own).  By the end of today they will both be maxed out on how much breast milk they can have by their weight (they increase their milk every 6 hours and they are fed every 3 hours).  I know it doesn't sound like a lot (which it isn't) but they are going to eat 20ml (which is 3/4 oz) every 3 hours.


Amy and Robert said...

My heart hurts for you, Now that you are that mother that you dreamed to will never know a type of love like the love for a child. When things are out of your control it hurts so bad because you just want to make it all better. I know how this is. Just remember to lean on the Lord and know things are in his hands... You are a wonderful and strong woman. An Amazing MOTHER. I'll keep you, your DH, and your three sweet peas in my prayers <3

Ashley's Journey In Life said...

I am praying for you, your DH and your precious babies! I was just thinking about you this morning actually. Sending big ((HUGS)) to you and your family!!!

Kate said...

I'm so sorry - I just can't imagine how hard it is to just look at them.

Try to rest at every opportunity. Email me if you need anything!

Cori said...

Oh Friend! I cannot even imagine what you are going through. You are so strong and I am praying for you, your hubby and those precious babies of your eveyday! Keep growin' little miricales!

Beeker's Mom said...

Once again, I'm behind on my blog reading. But you and your family are all in my prayers. Your babies are beautiful.